These
are notes from an inexperienced taster named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky
enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was
asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off." "Apparently,
the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a
fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event." Chili # 1:
Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE
ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE
TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK:
Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of
children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my
face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE
TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. Chili #
4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black
bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Chili# 5:
Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My
ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks! Chili
# 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE
ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My
intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili
# 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE
ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in
my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.) |
