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One man, taking a nap
in nearby bushes, was
awakened by women's curses and digging sounds. He looked up and saw the
ladies creating a great hole in the earth and wrestling somewhat out of
that hole. The crock slipped from their grasp and cracked against a
rock.
The man's head
whipped back, nostrils
assailed by an enticingly familiar odor. He howled with delight, anger
and frustration, for he had been a ravenous pepper eater and had long
been unfulfilled.
The women looked
wildly about in fear and
disgust. Some began to run away with the crocks, others jumped the man
and wrestled him to the ground. While this brought a degree of joy to
him, he was handled somewhat roughly and the pain outweighed the
pleasure.
His howls and their
cries brought the men
of Eden running. As they came within smelling distance, they also began
to yell in delight and anger. The
men snatched the crock and gazed reverently into its depths. Yet they
wondered what to do, for the smell, while peppery, was different. Some
said the peppers were ruined, others said these were the only peppers
they had and they, being pepper eaters, should at least try the strange
mush.
It so happened that
Adam was carrying a
piece of pizza from his supper the night before. "Here!" said he,
pushing to the front of the crowd. "Let
me put some on this."
The Eden women were
watching to see what
the men would do with the burned, mashed peppers that had long lain in
the ground mixed with salt, vinegar and the contempt of women. The
ladies began to snigger and chortle when Adam immersed his pizza in the
pepper mush and put it to his mouth. They were sure it would cause him
to gag, retch and turn against peppers forever.
Adam bit and chewed. His instantly sweating
face could barely contain his bulging eyes. He swallowed, threw back
his head and roared "Yeessss!! We
have discovered hot sauce!!"
The other men began
to dip whatever food
they had with them into the sauce. Those who had none handy used grass,
roots, even their own fingers and all pronounced it delicious. "Why
this is even better than plain peppers!"
They praised the women, hoisted them on
their shoulders, kissed and adored them mightily. This confused the
females who expected to be reviled, yet greatly pleased with the
flattery they found themselves dancing and making merry with the men.
They gave up the rest of the crocks. The party began in earnest with
everyone trying different sauces to see which would be tastiest. The
world's first hot sauce contest was created.
As each was judged
and praised on its own
merit, the women who had dumped garbage into the crocks vied to take
credit for the creation. That night a grateful male population did
their level best to pleasure their ladies in a carnal fashion for this
wonderful addition to their lives.
The party continued
for days. The prayers
went up in a mighty roar to the Lord for more pepper plants, laden with
peppers and full ripe. The women
one and all prayed as hard as the men, for they were happy with the
results of their men's attention to them, especially at night, after
the lights were out. The Lord, being a loving God, responded to their
prayers and cleared His entire test Garden of His most precious pepper
plants, sending them to earth for the delight of men and women alike.
The men learned from their women the secret of making hot sauce and
laid into the task like it was going out of style.
Some women were
worried that the men might
remember football and ignore their wives again, but others said worry
not, they are happy with their hot
sauce making. And it was true they paid little attention to anything
besides hot sauce and their women in whom they were exceedingly well
pleased.
Several weeks later
Adam with his sons Cain
and Able spied a hog eating the pepper plants, eating them root and
branch. The men cried out, rushed the hog, lost their heads and before
anyone knew what was happening, a dead hog lay at their feet.
"No one has ever
killed a hog before, Father!" Cain quavered.
"Nor anything else
for that matter!" cried Able in a tremulous voice.
"You boys shut up and
let your old man think!" snapped Adam, for
although he, too, was scared, he was not First Man for nothing and he
could think with the best of 'em.
Whilst Adam was
thinking Cain suggested
they use the hog to make a burnt offering to the Lord. This, he
reasoned, would dispose of the hog (for no one knew what would happen
to a dead animal if it just sat around) and would turn their impetuous
act into a sacred thing.
The idea engendered
some debate as the
other men gathered around to see this new thing because no one knew
what the Lord would think of a burnt hog
offering. Eventually Cain prevailed and directed them to carefully dig
a large pit, fill it with stones of an appreciable size, take dried,
fragrant wood and make a fire atop the stones. When the stones were
hot, and the wood bright red coals, they skewered the hog on a pole and
hove it over the pit.
For many hours they
roasted the hog and
said prayers of thanksgiving to the Lord. The women, appalled at the
killing of the beast ran away and hid themselves, taking no part in the
ceremony.
"For," said they,
"The Lord hath created
this hog and given it life, and The Lord gave not to men the right to
kill a hog."
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Copyright © 2000 Michael H. Jackson.
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