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Each day the Fire
Boys, Big and Little
played their game and ate their peppers. The women of Eden became
frustrated and perplexed for their men were mesmerized by this game and
lost interest in sex, or only wanted some after playing the game for
long hours, which meant they were either too battered to indulge in
really good and prolonged love play or fell noisily asleep immediately
thereafter. The women did not like this and gathered at the playing
field hoping to discover what made this strange game enticing enough to
make men forget sex. The no pepper men, who called themselves Cold
Tongues, and their wives also gathered to watch.
The Cold Tongues were
instantly hypnotized
by this great game and stayed to learn its rules. They formed their own
teams and played against one another and the pepper boys. The women
were angry. They approached the Cold Tongues and asked "Why must you
waste time on this game? You who do not even like the peppers for which
the game is played?"
The men looked at one
another in silence.
Finally one spoke, "In truth we know not, yet we know we must. We feel
a strange compulsion to play, or watch, if not play. This game bonds us
to one another and our pepper eating compatriots in a spiritual
fashion."
"Besides," said one,
"When we win, we get
to deprive our fire eating brethren of their most cherished desire, the
eating of the pepper ball and we love that. We have a name for it. We
call it spite!"
As he said this he
grinned a grin with no front teeth for they had been knocked out in a
football game.
"Now begone!" shouted
the men as they ran
onto the football field, with several hollering over their shoulders,
"Make sure you have supper ready
when we're done!"
This greatly incensed
the women, not only
to be made light of and taken for granted, but mostly the words of the
toothless one rankled within their hearts, to think that peppers and
football, not women, were most beloved in the hearts of men. The women
became spiteful, murmuring and spitting on the ground, and the feminist
movement was born.
Many women fell to
their knees and prayed
to the Lord to end their suffering. And Lo! Before them appeared much
chocolate. The ladies fell to and ate greedily of the brownies, cakes
and truffles. Some ran to the keepers of the milk cow products and
proposed the creation of chocolate ice cream. As Eve herself was heard
to say "Chocolate ice cream will give us the greatest solace of all."
But it was only
temporary solace. Soon the
women spat again upon the ground in disgust and muttered against
football and the peppers which spawned the game. This greatly chagrined
the angels because the women were heaping abuse upon the creation of
the Lord.
So it was that the
Lord awoke from His
dream of a new thing called chocolate to hear the grumbles of the
ladies of Eden, and He was exasperated. So the angels, exerting their
divine power, put a mojo on the minds of the Edenmen to make them
forget about peppers and football.
The spiteful women
saw their opportunity
and took it, uprooting all pepper plants. Stripping the bushes clean of
peppers, they threw them into a fire, that the peppers might be burned
as the people had been burned. They stuffed the scorched peppers into
crockery urns, gleefully pounding them with sticks until the peppers
were mush.
They poured on the
pepper mash a quantity
of salt and vinegar and added turnip heads, banana peels and other such
garbage to show their disdain for peppers. These gleeful, vicious women
then took the crocks and buried them in secret places in the Earth.
With the removal of
all pepper plants the
men had no reminders of their former obsession. They settled into a
more or less normal routine of blissful living in the Garden, eating,
drinking and paying the proper but not excessive amount of attention to
their women.
Once again women
became the best, most
beautiful and interesting aspects of men's lives. The women were
satisfied and by common agreement didn't tell
the men what happened to their precious plants. And though the Lord
continued to experiment with peppers, He welcomed the peace that wafted
up to Heaven from Earth.
But in their heart of
hearts, the men's
deepest desire was to eat
peppers and play football, rivaling even their great desire to have sex
with their wives. Soon the men began to feel restless and complain
about the bland taste of food from which something seemed to be
missing. In sleep they would toss, turn and dream of brightly colored
fruits waving from the plants in the Garden. They woke up sweating and
did not know why. This made the women exceedingly nervous. One day as
the men wandered around in a daze, the women gathered to talk, creating
the first hen party.
"We can't have these
peppers creating
problems for us again!" declared one whose husband had been captain of
the Big Fire Boys football team. "Let's dig up the crocks, pour out the
nasty pepper mash and plow it into the ground," exclaimed one.
"Or simply dump it
into the rivers hereabouts!" shouted another.
The women of Eden
agreed to make certain
that peppers, even mashed and destroyed peppers, would never have the
slightest chance to mess up their
husband's minds again. Stealthily they trod to secret locations to dig
up the hidden crocks.
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Copyright © 2000 Michael H. Jackson.
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