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Others in Eden were
gravely confused since
they didn't know that some men were secretly eating peppers and making
offerings to God. These confused
humans prayed earnestly to God to relieve them of their burdens and
stop scaring them with plants that would burn and create dissension
amongst them.
The chile men found
the heat made them
restive and sought their spouses much more often to express their
horizontal desires. Their wives were surprised and delighted to
discover their men had more love force and staying power than before.
When the women of the no pepper men heard of this thing they were
curious and asked the heat eaters to have sex relations with them.
Naturally the pepper
boys were well pleased
to have all the women of the Garden in their beds. But the wives of the
pepper eaters were not pleased. And the no pepper boys were outraged at
this turn of affairs. For the first time in Earth, jealousy was felt
and many more prayers of complaint and imprecations against the Lord
were heard by Him.
The pepper eating
men, whose descendants
would one day become race car drivers, oil rig fire extinguishers,
international playboys, international
jewel thieves, war heroes and billionaires did upon command from God
send the wives of the no pepper men back to their original mates.
As one pepper fellow
named Adam said, "Not
all our descendants can be playboys and sky divers. Some of them must
become accountants, floor sweepers, psychologists and the workers who
screw caps onto the tubes of toothpaste that will one day be invented."
Adam was certainly
right and spoke truly
having been blessed with great foresight. These lowly ones of whom he
spoke would indeed come from the loins of people who despised peppers
and would be their descendants.
As the couples bedded
down in their proper
domiciles, peace descended on earth. The Lord breathed a sigh of relief
and told His angels "I'm tired
from trying to please these crazy humans. Keep an eye on them while I
sleep,
see they don't create any more problems for themselves."
The Lord was glad to
have a rest, for the
people of Eden had taken to prayer with a mighty zeal and He was always
hearing their desires in His
infinite mind if He were awake.
The pepper eaters
prayed daily for more
peppers and for the no pepper men to go fishing that the pepper eaters
might have a go at the no pepper wives. Some of the no pepper wives
prayed for such a thing to come to pass as well. The world's first
wickedness was thus created.
The progenitors of
the world's accountants
prayed a lot also, praying the peppers would wither on the bush and the
pepper eater's pizzles would
shrivel so they might no longer trouble the wives of the no pepper men.
Some of the more wicked prayed the shriveling be permanent so the
pepper men would be unable to address their own wives with the proper
alacrity. The no pepper men sniggered and smirked as they prayed such
prayers.
There were even a few
of the pepper eater's
wives who prayed for such a thing to occur, for as some of them would
tell their men in the middle of
the night "There is such a thing as moderation!"
The men who could
stand more pepper heat
called themselves the Big Fire Boys. These were the males who loved
habañeros and Scotch Bonnets and claimed they couldn't get anything in
the way of peppers hot enough to suit themselves, though when alone
with their wives they complained of stomach pains and intestinal
problems and prayed to the Lord to heal them up, ignoring His word to
slow down on the pepper eating. They felt themselves to be better than
their kin who enjoyed peppers, yet could not tolerate the heat as well
and these in turn were envious of their more asbestos tongued
friends. Thus judgement, envy and pridefulness were created in Eden.
One fine day the
Little Fire Boys, as the
jealous ones were called, created theft by uprooting the best pepper
plant in the Garden and running off. The Big Fire Boys, seeing the
perfidy, screeched and gave chase across the Garden's fields. The
Little Fire Boy carrying the pepper plant began to tire. As the Big
Fire Boys gained on him, shouting imprecations and voicing threats, he
hurled the plant to one of his companions.
The Big Fire Boys
tackled the catcher. They
piled on top of him and though nearly suffocated, he managed to pinch
and bite a surprising number of his attackers. At this juncture the
rest of the Little Fire Boys plowed into their brethren and piled on,
one atop another. They had just invented football.
Though these mighty
pepper chewers were
battered and bruised, they grinned at one another and forgot their
jealousies to concentrate on developing the game. They enjoyed their
play exceedingly, discovering the tackle and pile on to be best of all.
They had only played
a short time when it
became clear the pepper plant would not hold up under the strain of
being used as a football. The wise men sat together to take counsel and
half time was created. They decided to split open many peppers and
scooping out the innards thereof they contrived a cunning scheme,
sewing the edges of each pepper one to another until they had a
serviceable ball which they packed tightly with crushed peppers and
with this they played.
It was decided that
the winners of each
game should receive the game ball, that they might prance about the
playing field, eating the ball in front of their opponents and making
mock of them. Although this was strange behavior in the Garden of Eden,
still they said it was good.
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Copyright © 2000 Michael H. Jackson.
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