By
Michael H. Jackson Staff Humorist
Chile peppers proved
to be a hell of a
thing, in the end. God said "Let there be chile peppers", and a passel
of them appeared. God chomped on 'em
and liked 'em a whole lot.
"I name you
jalapeño", said God. "Go
forth upon the earth and multiply, especially in the Garden of Eden,
where you will be a blessing to My beloved
children, and provide them with a pleasant tingle in their mouths as
you have done for Me."
So the plants hopped to it and went out and
multiplied themselves. People snatched them from the bushes, making a
big fuss over their color and
beauty, since they had never seen anything like these before.
Some people, wanting
to imitate God in all
things, decided to taste the peppers. A great wailing and gnashing of
teeth ensued, for God had not
considered that although He made humans in His own image, they didn't
have the capacity to resist the heat of these peppers as did His own
immortal tongue and the people were being burned with no relief. Many
said "God-A-Mighty! We ain't done nothing wrong and these things are
burnin' the hell out of us!" And for the very first time humans shook
their fists at God, muttering against Him, as they spat, attempting to
expel the heat with no success.
God whispered
compassionately in the ears
of the women to get milk from the milk cows and make yogurt and ice
cream and offer it to the people as a
remedy for burning tongues. This settled them down a little bit and
they praised the glory of God to create such diversity of heat on the
tongue, then to cool them with milk cow products.
Until, that is, they
visited the outhouses
God had thoughtfully provided and strategically placed throughout the
Garden of Eden. For then they discovered that chile peppers, like
chopping wood, heated them twice. Many of them felt tricked by the Lord
and grumbled, muttering against the Almighty and for the second time
there was a shaking of fists against the Lord, while those with the
strongest burning sensations preached and gave forth loud imprecations.
So God created the
aloe plant as a topical
remedy for burning
sensations. He whispered to the people to use the leaves in a certain
fashion and once again most people were amazed at the inventiveness of
the Lord, yet in their secret hearts some of the more sensitive
harbored ill feelings against Him as they soaked their behinds in the
local streams for extra relief.
The Lord pondered how
He could bring His
children back into harmony with Himself and as He did so He became
drowsy and dreamed up another plant. For
the Lord to dream is to create, and He opened His eyes and said "Very
good! I shall put this plant in the Garden of Eden as another gift to
My Children."
He sent this plant too into the world with
His commission to be fruitful and so it did. Next morning, the Garden
ladies ran to this new vegetable
exclaiming "Look! The Lord has given us a beautiful plant, let us take
the fruit thereof and adorn our bodies!"
And they did so,
braiding the fruit into
their hair and prancing in front of their men, offering to allow them
to eat the fruit from their hair
as a prelude to love. The men did so eagerly to see how this new
opportunity would affect their experience of love making.
As they consumed the
fruits there was much
shrieking and hair pulling for these fruits were known as Scotch Bonnet
peppers and were hotter than
anything these men had ever imagined. Far from being interested in love
they cast themselves into the rivers of Eden with mouths agape, hoping
to quench the burn, yet to no avail. Some cast themselves at the milk
cows, attempting to drink directly from the udders, whereupon many
received kicks and were sorely bruised. The men were angry and
perplexed for they thought it a trick of their women to show them up to
be wieners. Some felt it to be a plot between God and the girls. Others
asked why the women would treat them so ill. None could say but all
agreed it was an odious state of affairs.
In their fear they
shook their fists
against God and women, especially when it came time to visit the
outhouses again, for Scotch Bonnets not only
burn twice, they burn twice mightily. The men gave the women a good
cussing and refused to sleep with them. The women, angry and frustrated
at being cheated of their love trysts began to question the wisdom of
the Almighty and revile His name for sending these peppers to earth.
Now some of the men
found themselves with a
greater capacity to tolerate pepper heat than their brothers. These men
gathered secretly to partake of
jalapeños and Scotch Bonnets. They chewed peppers and felt pain, but
didn't scream or cry. Sweat poured from their silent faces while many
spat on the ground as their sinuses cleared mightily.
Each day they
gathered, holding contests to
see who could stand the hottest pepper and who would run mewling and
whining for milk cow products
with which to cool their burning innards. These men gave praise and
made offerings to the Lord for His fiery gifts, praying night and day
for new, more delectable peppers.
The Lord heard their
prayers, smelt the
incense and took it as a sign that at least some of the people were
well pleased with His blessings. He
smiled upon the pepper eaters: "Oh thou faithful and most trustworthy
servants of the Lord. I have inhaled the delicate aroma of your
offerings and heard your pleas. Now I enter into a new covenant with
you in which I shall create new and wonderous varieties of pepper
plants for your delight."
In truth God was
pleased to do so, for He
had just been sampling a new pepper in His test garden and He loved it.
This plant had a tag attached to it which read "Habañero". The Lord
grinned and said to the pepper men "Y'all
try that! It'll make you stand up and talk to yourself!"
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Copyright © 2000 Michael H. Jackson.
All Rights Reserved.
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